Read the caption. Enough said.

He talks down to her, puts her down in front of others, touches her inappropriately or even violently, lies to her, rarely does anything nice to her, demands things from her (especially sexually), and has cheated on her.  And yet she still sticks with him.  Everyone thinks “wow, she can do so much better”.  But for some reason, she doesn’t think so.  Why is she with that jerk?

I’ve pondered this question since 5th grade, when my friend Chris and I would sit on the playground and ponder the ways of girls and express our confusion.  After going through life seeing this again and again, I think I’ve figured it out.  Based on my experience, here’s why it happens.

1)  She Feels Unlovely, Undesirable, Unclean, and/or Unwanted (despite all indicators contrary!)

This is how she sees herself, deep down.  There could be various reasons.  Sexual Abuse is a common one  (1 in 4 women have been sexually abused), including in dating relationships especially in high school or college.  This is especially harmful when the sexual abuse does have an aspect of physical pleasure (because sex does feel good), so she thinks that it must be okay if she’s enjoying it (which it most assuredly is NOT okay).  Other reasons include having an emotionally distant or abusive parent, having drug or alcohol addicted parents, or having no father in the house.  It could also be from growing up with something that she felt was “unattractive” (real or imagined), like being too tall, too tom-boyish, too “overweight” (by Cosmo’s standards), having bad acne, having a lisp, or any of the various physical things that everyone struggles with at some point.  She could be the most physically attractive girl (by worldly standards) and yet feels totally undesirable.

Ah, if she only knew the truth in how she is truly beloved!  (Which I’ll address later)

2)  He talks her up and then down

The Jerk knows she feels like this.  He takes full advantage of this.  Because hey, he wants to get laid.  So the Jerk plays a smooth game of keeping her on her roller-coaster of feelings.  He starts off with lots of smooth talk that makes her feel desired and loved.  But soon he shifts that and (revealing his true heart) he treats her as unlovely, undesirable, unclean, and unwanted.  He puts her down and plays mind-games to make her continue in this state.  He might play hard to get, not calling her or leaving unexpectedly.  He fights with her a lot.  We he’s pushes her a bit too far, he will then again whisper his sweet nothings.  When she’s finally had enough and she tries to leave him, he’ll either say that she’s lucky to have him or he’ll feign like he really does love her (often with tears) and make some petty attempt to make her feel vaguely loved (maybe even buying her an engagement ring, but please please PLEASE don’t fall for that!).

3)  She feels like she has to earn his love

In this state, she now CRAVES to be loved (she was indeed created to be loved, which I’ll get to in a minute).  But since she feels unlovely, she feel like she has to do something in order to earn that love.  The Jerk then uses this to make her do things for him, like wash his clothes, clean up after him, give him money (especially if he’s unemployed), or perform demeaning sexual favors.  He shows her some love and affection, but only enough to keep fueling that craving of hers and ensuring she keeps working hard to please him.

This is a “legalistic” relationship, where she is seeking to earn his love and he is using that to dominate her.  This is an unhealthy relationship.  This is a result of the fall.  God predicted this would happen, as He said to Eve:

“Your desire shall be for your husband,
and he shall rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16b)

This is what I want to tell her:

You are lovely.  You are desirable.  You are clean,  You are wanted.  In Jesus Christ.
God created you and made you beautiful and lovely and you continue to be a lovely creation in His eyes.
God made you to love Him and He greatly desires to be in relationship with you.  God showed this by sending His son Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ cleans away all your dirty sins and secrets.  He rights all your wrongs.  He can make you clean and new.
Jesus Christ died for you to bring you to God to be loved eternally by Him.  He was willing to give His life to have you.  That is how much you are wanted.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING to earn this love.  God offers it freely to you in Jesus Christ.  You just need to have faith that you are so wonderfully loved!

Dump that dude.  God has so much better for you.

Here’s TWO wonderful music videos that perfectly capture this, one by Johnny Diaz and one by Tenth Avenue North:

Our eyes are very good photon receptors.

We don’t actually “see” things, rather we “see” the light reflected off of things.  So photons come out of somewhere – like the sun – and bounce off a tree and then into our eyes and then we can “see” the tree.  What we care about are the things themselves, so we often don’t think about how light is what we actually are receiving.  I’m sure all of us learned this in life science class in 8th grade.

I’m sure all of us also know that we cannot see without light.  You may have experienced this recently when light was absent… it was dark and you couldn’t see.  Light is pretty important stuff huh?

Now given that, here’s something to wrap your mind around:

For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light do we see light. (Ps. 36:9)

This verse is addressing God Himself.  He is the creator and source of all life.  It then makes an interesting statement:  in your light do we see light.

Now this is interesting considering how we already established that what we actually SEE is light.  So in light we see everything.  Here, however, it says that we could not even see light without God’s light.  God’s light allows us to see light which allows us to see everything else.

What do you think about that?  I’m interested in your replies.

Now, I will say I don’t think this is meant to be a scientific statement but rather a statement about the nature of God and how all things are tied to Him and reliant on Him.

Of course, I am NOT agreeing with relativists who say that right and wrong do not exist but rather we declare what is right for us. That's plain silly.

When we become Christians, right and wrong no longer affect us because we who are led by the Spirit are “no longer under law” (Gal. 5:18).   Right and Wrong still exists, as God’s Law is eternal, we are just no longer bound by it.  This is because we now are judged eternally based on Christ’s righteousness.  Of course, unbelievers will be judged by the standard of the Law based on their own dead works.

One of the most unhelpful things Christians do is continue to judge according to the law.  This goes in one of two ways.  In one way, they take a religious stance and judge things as right or wrong and then condemn.  We’re told not to do that (James 4:11-12).  One the other hand, people know they are excused from the law so basically say that “all things are permissible for me” without forethought to the implications.  Because people are stuck in this paradigm, some say you can only judge for yourself and cannot judge other people’s actions.  So you can only say “this is right or wrong for me” but not about someone else.  That sounds a lot like relativism to me!  But as we see what the Apostle Paul tells us:

Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? (1 Cor. 5:12)  (a rhetorical question)

A little after saying this, the Apostle gives us a more helpful way to evaluate or judge things:

“All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be enslaved by anything. (1 Cor. 6:12)

What I see here is Paul re-framing the way we evaluate things.  Rather than being about lawfulness (right or wrong) he brings up another category:  whether it is helpful.  His second response about “I will not be enslaved by anything” is a further clarification of what is un-helpful:  it is anything that takes us away from our true master:  Christ.  So we judge not on the basis of law but on the basis of love of God.

So the way we should evaluate things – such as activities we are involved in, words we use, people we emulate, pleasures we indulge in, work we pursue, etc. – based not on “right or wrong” but based on whether it is helpful on our journey with, toward, and in Christ.  If it is something that in some way dethrones the true King from our hearts and makes us act in ways unlike our Savior, then we should flee from it, just as Paul instructs us to “flee from sexual immorality” (1 Cor. 6:18).  Is porn “wrong” for a Christian?  No, we’re no longer under condemnation.  But is it bad for a Christian?  YES!

Remember, God is our master not ourselves:

Or do you not know that your body is  a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God?  You are not your own, for you were bought with a price.  So glorify God in your body. (1 Cor. 6:19-20)

Armed with this understanding and with a desire to hear from God, we can better evaluate our life or the lives of others.

For me, one such thing is driving the speed limit.  Is it “wrong” to speed?  Well it is under our human law and we are to submit to that.  But the main issue is that it is not “helpful” for me.  Speeding is often a result of my inability to trust God with my time.  I speed because I am anxious about time and want to get somewhere in less time.  Is it helpful with my desire to be like Christ to indulge in that anxiety?  No, it is not.

And you know what, I think I can safely say it is unhelpful for you speed.  You probably need to repent and trust God with your time.  And nope, I’m not being a legalistic because I’m saying its unhelpful not unlawful.

A "Free Beer" sign would also fill up the church pews pretty quickly.

“I tell them the church has a lot of hot chicks who go there.”

That was the answer a guy told me for how he got so many of his friends to join him at church.  He said “hey, I’m just using their sin against them right, and its good they are coming right?”  None of those guys are still coming.  Why not?  Because they weren’t coming for Jesus.  Promising one thing but actually giving another is called a “bait and switch”, and it is completely ineffective at getting people to love Jesus.

Recently I was handed an invite to an event in a park.  It said “Prizes, free food, hip-hop music”.  That’s it.  When we show up, they are doing testimonies about Jesus and preaching the Gospel.  There’s a long line of people there for food, a lot of whom are not coming for Jesus.  I’m happy they are preaching the Gospel, but why the bait and switch?

Many of us do this.  We tell people about all the “nice people” in our church or how the music is good.  We try to get friends to come for every reason except to hear about Jesus Christ and His salvation.  This also is a bait and switch, because they are not coming for Jesus and yet that is the reason the church is gathered.  (Note though, some people who ARE coming for Jesus might mention that they do like the music or the people, because often they cannot verbalize the inner drawing that God put within them to draw them to Christ.)  Much of what passes for “evangelism” these days – especially what some people claim is “friendship evangelism” – is mostly just systems of bait and switch.  This includes a lot of the “outreach” activities like movie showings or sports that we also “slip-in” messages about Jesus.

Why do we do this?  Because we think unbelievers don’t want Jesus AND we fear rejection.  And we’re partially right.  Most do not want Jesus.  They don’t like the idea that they are sinners.  They don’t want to turn to God for help but want to rely on themselves.  However, some people God gives the gift of humility and faith so they can truly repent and believe.  God has given these people the desire for Jesus and they WILL be attracted to Jesus when told about Him.   This makessense when we read this from the Apostle Paul:

2 But we have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways. We refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God’s word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God. 3 And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled only to those who are perishing. 4 In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. 5 For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. (2 Cor. 4:2-5)

“The open statement of the truth”.  Paul is saying that he does not do any bait and switch.  He is all about Jesus and is up-front about it.  He knows that many will be “blind” to the Gospel because Satan blinds them to it.  But he keeps on preaching and boldly telling about Jesus Christ.  As he says in the verse before this passage:

Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart. (2 Cor. 4:1)

The Apostle Paul did not lose heart, despite many people rejecting him and enduring much persecution (See 2 Cor. 4:7-12).  The rejection did not turn him away but spurred him on more.  This is so different than us today.  Today we are so scared of violating the cultural stigma against talking about religion that we don’t.  We are so scared of being rejected that we only drop hints – like talking about church – instead of talking up front about Jesus.

What is the answer?  Paul tells us to focus NOT on this world (and all our worldly fears) but on our eternal glory in Christ:

16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Cor. 4:16-17)

Rejection of us because of the Gospel is a “light and momentary affliction”.  Enduring the personal tension and even personal persecution is a “light and momentary affliction”.  We should be more concerned about eternity – and whether others will be there with us! – than about our momentary lives in this world.

6 So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, 7 for we walk by faith, not by sight. 8 Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. 9 So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. 10 For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.

11 Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade others. (2 Cor. 5:6-11)

How would you feel if the people you grew up with, your elementary school friends and their parents, picked you up and tried to kill you by throwing you off a cliff. That's what Jesus experienced in Luke 4. That's the price He paid for telling them that salvation is a free gift for ALL people.

These and many similar questions come up when we read the Bible.  Take for example when Jesus says:

39 But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. (Matt. 5:39)

If you read this by itself, we might think this is saying we should allow anyone to do whatever they want to us.  But before we jump to conclusions, we should do a little investigation.

First, we should look at the context.  For example, this is from the sermon on the mount where Jesus is reframing or correcting some of the views taught by the Bible teachers (the Pharisees) of His time.  Reading other examples in Matthew 5 and 6, we see that Jesus is using strong statements that could be hyperbole that are meant to provide a stark contrast.

Second, we should allow scripture to interpret scripture.  This is a really helpful way of looking at the Bible.  If the whole Bible is true and authoritative (which it claims to be:  2 Tim 3:16), then other parts of scripture can give us a more full understanding of what God is trying to tell us.

The simplest way to do this is to do word searches.  So if you’re looking up divorce, you can search for “divorce” and find many relevant passages.  This does not always work, especially when the Bible is talking about our hearts and actions.

In the above example, we can glean insight from Jesus’ life and how he responded to those doing evil to Him.  Through some digging, we see that he did NOT always allow people to just do what they wanted with Him.  For example, Jesus did not let the people from His hometown of Nazareth to throw Him off a cliff:

28 When they heard these things, all in the synagogue were filled with wrath. 29 And they rose up and drove him out of the town and brought him to the brow of the hill on which their town was built, so that they could throw him down the cliff. 30 But passing through their midst, he went away. (Luke 4:28-30)

So we see that Jesus did NOT simply allow them to kill Him in this instance.  However, at the end of Luke we see Jesus willingly going with the guards who were coming to arrest Him and would bring Him to be crucified (Luke 22:47-53).  There does not appear to be a clear-cut answer.

The Apostle Paul sheds even more light onto this:

14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them…. 17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:14, 17-21)

Here we get a clearer picture of what God is getting at.  He wants us to have hearts that trust Him to be judge, and not to take vengeance into our own hands.  This requires a willingness – when God requires – to allow others to sin against us and not return it with evil.  But the passage says that “so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all”.  Clearly others may not respond peaceably.  Removing ourselves from such situations (like Jesus did in the passage above), is one way to not continue to antagonize someone who is seeking to do us harm.  We can in fact help with peace by removing ourselves from the situation.  This is what Paul does again and again in Acts when people tried to kill him (Acts 9:23-25).  Paul even uses help from governmental authorities to help protect him from harm (Acts 23:12-24).

So with a little exploration of scripture, we can see the God is NOT telling us to simply turn over and allow people to do whatever they want with us.  Clearly we are to establish boundaries and work to prevent harm to ourselves.  However, the manner we do it and the heart we do it with is very important, and we must do so in a way that is submitted to God and allows Him to be judge.